(the light always wins)
I recently finished this painting called Summoning the Heart of Love. It was completed in two separate sittings, a couple of months apart. The inspiration was a conversation I had with a friend about “The Secret” and the idea that we summon that which comes to us with our thoughts. I have mixed feelings about this idea. I believe it to be true on some level, however most of us are not aware of the thoughts we have and so are surprised when we get what comes to us.
The idea for the painting developed from this conversation — what if I were to make a painting that expressed or summoned the type of love I had been looking for and yet thus far have been unable to find with a man.
When I started the painting, I had recently spent the day at the beach with my former boyfriend, someone I love dearly but with whom it never seems to work out, despite being on and off again for the last nearly 7 years. It was a perfect sort of day, as it often was between us, but for the tension of unfulfilled love and attraction, which made it less than perfect. That day ended up sourcing the under painting. I was surprised that that is what I started painting about when I started this “Summoning”. (see first draft below)
Some of you may like this version better – and because it is less subtle it may show up better in a photo. But after sitting with it for some months it seemed unfinished. Raw somehow and one dimensional, or maybe idealized and thus untruthful. So I let it sit. As that relationship devolved into 8 or 9 months post breakup, I began to see my way to finishing it.
After I saw the Life of Pi a couple of Sundays ago, I finished it the next day. I was inspired to completion by the scene in the movie when Pi just about gives up in the middle of the ocean, stranded for weeks, and about to be destroyed in a storm. He completely surrenders, embraces chaos, love and God.
Battered and Broken
I wake up to face the day
Realizing you Lied to me
You did your best
We both did
“We are simply not compatible”
Let’s not let that lie stand.
You are Running
From Yourself and thus Me
From the Greatest Love you will Ever have in a Lifetime.
It’s a tragedy.
And a Mystery.
Your inability to be intimate
To be response – Able
Is no reflection on Me
No point in looking into a Dirty Mirror
To See Myself
The image will never be Clear
So I look Inward
To see who I really Am
And what I see is
I AM GOOD.
© Jill Joy – June 11, 2012
OK. So have you ever noticed how the universe talks to you? I think it does it in a myriad of ways. I’m particularly attuned to it right now probably because I am in transition, taking a leap of faith from corporate Jill to Artist Jill and looking for signs because I need them. I’ll be leaving my corporate job soon, renting my too expensive condo and moving into a tiny flat and relocating my art studio to Glashaus in Barrio Logan in San Diego (aka quasi industrial, sketchy neighborhood).
I was on my way up to Encinitas, CA for an art opening yesterday at this store up there, Bliss 101. I hope to show my ocean paintings up there at some point. After driving that 26 miles North, I would head back down and see my friend Matt Devine’s opening in one of the best galleries in La Jolla, CA. So this was a night of networking and business and supporting a friend.
In the 1/2 hr drive up to Encinitas I was alternately excited and terrified about my new beginning as I am every day alternating about 1,000 times a day. I pulled off the exit and this is what I saw. It was a laugh out loud moment. Could it be the universe chatting with me?
Jill Joy – Islands (Healing) – acrylic on canvas – 24×48″ – 2012 (tonight actually)
Hawaii was the scene of my difficult childhood. So I don’t relish it the way most people do. A couple of weeks ago, I dreamed I was in Hawaii at a fancy resort overlooking the ocean, and my brother and sister were there beside me, as was the lover I was breaking up with at the time I had the dream. I was looking out over the ocean and I felt such peace and a sense of relaxation, as though those three people completed my word. I felt the sense of peace most people seem to feel when they go to Hawaii. It was a novel experience for me.
I had a vision of this painting while I was getting a massage last night. It’s my second “Island” painting. The first one was about my father. I didn’t realize the first painting was islands at the time until a friend with Asperger’s pointed it out to me.
I completed this painting after I spoke to my brother recently. We’re so different, he and I. He’s a soldier, I’m an artist. He’s a family man, I’m a loner. But I felt close to him after we spoke. He doesn’t judge me, and I respect him. When I took the dream, together with the vision (now a painting), along with my conversation with him and my sister of late, it made me think that perhaps healing is possible after all.
Those Hawaiian Islands exist in my psyche. Perhaps one day they will no longer be threatening. Perhaps the islands are like memories in a sea of consciousness.
Coloring outside the lines
Grieving my lost love
Mourning my lost life
Giving up voluntarily
What doesn’t suit me
Before it is ripped from me
In the quest for Authenticity.
I empower my destiny.
Jill Joy – Devotion – oil on canvas – 48×60″ March 25, 2011
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about devotion lately. I had a dream not too long ago in which it was revealed to me that my father had a false devotion to me (he left our family when I was young and I had little contact with him while growing up). He was going through the motions, but not really devoted. In the dream, devotion was represented by the color purple. Purple is also the color of compassion, justice and royalty.
I’ve sought my whole life for a man who would be devoted to me in a a way that would make me feel complete, or at least safe. Lately I’ve been realizing that I am devoted to myself. Which is to say, no matter what happens to me, I am devoted to my happiness, to doing the best I can for myself, to loving myself no matter what, whether I succeed or fail in work, relationships, financial stability, whatever. I’m also devoted to following my own path which often means not meeting a social “obligation” or doing all that is expected of me by others or society or even my boss. Being devoted to myself means being true to myself. Sometimes the external cost can be quite high, but to betray myself is even worse.
As I worked on this today the bottom of this painting seemed to be about the rough and tumble of love and expectations, met and unmet. Desire, longing, disappointment, fulfillment. Devotion placed elsewhere by others when I wish it was placed with me. But at the core, as I realized I am devoted to myself and thus essentially responsible to myself and my talent, illumination developed from the center connecting upwards, connecting me to something higher.
If we are truly each expressions of the divine, then is it not natural we would feel expanded and peaceful as we commit ourselves acting with authenticity? As we devote ourselves to ourselves?