The Thaw

The Thaw

there have been

cold Places

in my heart

 

chilly Areas

of ice

and Snow

that Froze up

long Ago

 

your Love

for me

or the Innocence

of mine

for You

 

has begun a Thaw

© Jill Joy June 2012

Islands (Healing)

Jill Joy – Islands (Healing) – acrylic on canvas – 24×48″ – 2012 (tonight actually)

Hawaii was the scene of my difficult childhood. So I don’t relish it the way most people do. A couple of weeks ago, I dreamed I was in Hawaii at a fancy resort overlooking the ocean, and my brother and sister were there beside me, as was the lover I was breaking up with at the time I had the dream. I was looking out over the ocean and I felt such peace and a sense of relaxation, as though those three people completed my word. I felt the sense of peace most people seem to feel when they go to Hawaii. It was a novel experience for me.

I had a vision of this painting while I was getting a massage last night. It’s my second “Island” painting. The first one was about my father. I didn’t realize the first painting was islands at the time until a friend with Asperger’s pointed it out to me.

I completed this painting after I spoke to my brother recently. We’re so different, he and I. He’s a soldier, I’m an artist. He’s a family man, I’m a loner. But I felt close to him after we spoke. He doesn’t judge me, and I respect him. When I took the dream, together with the vision (now a painting), along with my conversation with him and my sister of late, it made me think that perhaps healing is possible after all.

Those Hawaiian Islands exist in my psyche. Perhaps one day they will no longer be threatening. Perhaps the islands are like memories in a sea of consciousness.

The Field

The wind rustles through the dead stalks,

sun-burnt brown,

standing lonely, close together

in the field desolated by harvest.

Few survive in the late autumn light

mottled green and brown

alive but not healthy.

 

Time then to turn them under

into the dark brown earth,

crushing the stalks to dust.

Providing food for the soil

while it sits, baked by frost

until spring arrives

and new crops can be planted.

A healthier strain this time,

built on the successes and the failures

of seasons past.

 

Rooted in new understanding,

they will grow strong and tall,

bearing beautiful, hearty fruit.

 

© 2008 Jill Joy

Expectation

I feel the emptiness in my life.

I feel the wind rush through the cool blue lonely spaces.

I feel the pregnant void.

 

© Jill Joy 4-16-2012

The Doors of My Heart

Yesterday

The doors of my heart

Blew open

 

Now

I stand Here

Naked and afraid

Aware of my vulnerability

 

On the Exhilarating precipice

Between Ecstasy and Annihilation

 

Alive and Well.

 

© Jill Joy – circa 2011

On Abandonment

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. I took it personally but (as it turns out) it had nothing to do with me.

Devotion

Jill Joy – Devotion – oil on canvas – 48×60″  March 25, 2011

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about devotion lately. I had a dream not too long ago in which it was revealed to me that my father had a false devotion to me (he left our family when I was young and I had little contact with him while growing up). He was going through the motions, but not really devoted. In the dream, devotion was represented by the color purple. Purple is also the color of compassion, justice and royalty.

I’ve sought my whole life for a man who would be devoted to me in a a way that would make me feel complete, or at least safe. Lately I’ve been realizing that I am devoted to myself. Which is to say, no matter what happens to me, I am devoted  to my happiness, to doing the best I can for myself, to loving myself no matter what, whether I succeed or fail in work, relationships, financial stability, whatever. I’m  also devoted to following my own path which often means not meeting a social “obligation” or doing all that is expected of me by others or society or even my boss. Being devoted to myself means being true to myself. Sometimes the external cost can be quite high, but to betray myself is even worse.

As I worked on this today the bottom of this painting seemed to be about the rough and tumble of love and expectations, met and unmet. Desire, longing, disappointment, fulfillment. Devotion placed elsewhere by others when I wish it was placed with me. But at the core, as I realized I am devoted to myself and thus essentially responsible to myself and my talent,  illumination developed from the center connecting upwards, connecting me  to something higher.

If we are truly each expressions of the divine, then is it not natural we would feel expanded and peaceful as we commit ourselves acting with authenticity? As we devote ourselves to ourselves?

Today. Settling Down – oil on canvas – 48×72

Self Love Trumps Heartbreak

Jill Joy – Self Love Trumps Heartbreak – mixed media on canvas – 44×44″

available

www.jilljoy.com inquiries jill@jilljoy.com

I am the sea

I am the sea I’ve been seeking,

An ocean of love so pure.

A body of water to swim in

Endlessly without reaching shore.

 

I thought it was you and you and you,

But then you were there no more.

I kept thinking I’d find the one

If I knocked on a million doors.

 

Now I realize it’s just me.

As it has been all along.

A million melodies in the world

Only I can sing my song.

 

I can swim forever

Swim forever without end.

In the body of water that is me,

I am my own best friend.

 

Other people will float in my ocean,

Islands of pain and delight.

I am the vastness they reside in

An ocean of clear white light.

 

© Jill Joy

 

 

Finally Out (self expression)

Jill Joy – Finally Out (self expression) – mixed media on canvas – 24×18″

From The Abandonment Box Series

available

www.jilljoy.com